If you’re reading The Family Alpha then you are probably in a relationship with a woman who is either your wife or long term relationship (which I view to be over 1 year).
When it comes to daily interactions with the same person the possibility of complacency is significantly amplified. This is simply human nature, the more you’re exposed to a stress the more you adapt to it, ultimately becoming almost completely desensitized (i.e numb to it).
I came across a comment on Reddit one day which said, “However loyal, faithful, and dependable you may have been — I have no doubt you were a great father and provider – but after 19 years of daily companionship, your attention is valueless to her.”
This sent my mind down the rabbit hole.
I’ve been with my wife since we were 16, I’m 31 now(as of February 2018). We’ve been together for 15 years and married for 10 of them.
How is it that I am able to maintain a healthy sexual relationship complete with genuine desire, attraction and overall joy and fun with my wife when so many, aren’t.
I went through the steps I’ve taken to keep her on her toes and am going to share them here with the hope that some of these actions may be applicable to your situation.
Keep in mind, all I’m providing you with is my perspective and my approach to achieving and maintaining what I view to be a “successful” marriage. Always cater your approach to your girl, remember that your mileage may vary and what works for me may implode when you apply it.
I broke the actions into the 10 main steps(Click-Baity, I get it) I’ve taken and I encourage any and every man who comes across this piece to share what you do to keep your wife desiring you after decades of living together.
Before I share my 10 actions and let you see inside the world of Hunter Drew’s marriage, I want to reiterate something to you: Women do not love you the way you love them, do not expect your woman to behave the way your bros do
You may be content with your lady just the way she is all the way until death comes knocking on your door. She doesn’t feel the same. I know many men who can eat the same meal day after day and wear the same style clothes year after year. Women need spice in their life, they need you to stop being so damn predictable.
You must understand that it is squarely on your shoulders, as the man, to keep the relationship interesting lest you fall into the void of apathetic living.
As men we are the more romantic of the sexes and it only makes sense that the burden of performance lands on our shoulders when it comes to keeping things interesting both in and out of the bedroom.
Do not be discouraged by this, women are simply acting in accordance with their nature, don’t wish the world weren’t so hard, instead make yourself stronger.
As masculine men we must embrace the challenge and find comfort in the discomfort of knowing society is against us and our success.
Fortunately, we don’t give a single fuck and we will act in the manner that men act.
Whether that’s viewed as acceptable or not, we do not care. Our successful marriage will speak for itself, fuck the approval from the majority.
This list is something you can take and apply today in your marriage.
As with all of my writing, keep what you think will work, disregard the rest.
1. Sex Outside The Bedroom
One of the biggest ‘routines’ that couples find themselves in is only having sex in the bedroom and at night.
You are adults; you no longer have to sneak around your parent’s house to have sex.
You are (probably) living in your own place, so claim it all. Have sex in every room, on every piece of furniture, at any point during the day.
Kids are napping? Sex on the couch.
Wife is doing dishes? Pick her up, carry her to the garage, pin her to a wall, and make out with her hard and fast; then leave and go sit somewhere with a book. She’ll be in the garage wondering what in the actual fuck just happened to her.
The reasoning behind this action is twofold.
Not only are you breaking routine by sexually enjoying one another in a ‘foreign’ place, but you’re also making new sexy inside jokes & memories with your lady.
For Example: When you have company over and someone asks if the table they are leaning against is sturdy, you and your wife will flash back and smile to the time you took all of her on that exact table. You can then give a confident “yes” and let others see the smile you two sneak to each other, let them wonder what that moment was about.
Whenever you’re in any room or looking at a piece of furniture in your house, it will have a story.
(Make sure you clean up after yourself, sanitization is key)
2. Surprise Vacations
The routine of:
- wake up
- go to work
- come home
- weekend (time to “relax” again?)
- start it all over
is all too common in our day and age.
People get stuck in these loops. In the Navy I called it, ‘Redundancy Without Progress’ and in the military there is quite a bit of that, but I digress…
To break the loop in my own life I had saved some cash specifically for a trip, I didn’t tell the wife anything. On a weekend where I knew we had nothing going on I booked us a room at the Great Wolf Lodge which is a hotel that is geared towards kids (waterpark, arcade, interactive stuff, etc.).
I messaged my wife and told her that when she got out of work (this was Friday) that she needed to pack our stuff for 3 days and be sure to include bathing suits and that we would be spending our weekend at the Lodge.
She responded with:
“Well what about the cat & dog?” (I’d handled it)
“& Money” (I’d handled it)
“This is short notice”(I agreed).
I got home and she had everything ready (my wife is awesome). The trip was great and she kept ranting and raving about how excited she was and that it was an amazing adventure and while many families were flailing and stressed out, we made memories because we had a plan and everyone knew what was expected.
(Follow your woman’s behavior, not her words)
The key point to this trip was that I fully researched what I was trying to do. I knew the work schedule, our plans, school schedule, etc.
Make sure you’ve gathered all intel before trying to commence an operation of this magnitude, lest you become one of those men who has a grouch for a wife and children who, while surrounded by fun activities, are completely miserable.
3. Removing ‘Vanilla’ Sex
There is a time and place for the average, normal, standard missionary position.
That time is not every time.
You need to ensure your sex life and bedroom is your play place (literally).
I advise that you turn sex with your wife into something that would come from a Lewis Carroll Novel; go down the rabbit hole together.
Yesterday I bought a bunch of those necklace glow sticks. We were at Dollar Tree when I saw them and an entire fantasy filled my mind, without telling anyone why, I put them into the cart.
Fast forward and it’s getting dark outside so I let the kids crack a few of them and run around the yard. After a while they get put to bed and I tell my wife to go to the bedroom, get undressed, and to meet me in the shower.
I cracked the rest of the glow sticks and hung them from everywhere inside the shower.
I did this like Clark Kent changing into Superman, it took some skill and focus but I nailed it and had it glowing like a nuclear reactor within 2 minutes. I had glow sticks around the shower head, the water knob, and the bar that holds the shower curtain. I even threw a few on the ground, just because.
When she came in it was game on.
After a while I got out, dried off and took a few of the glow sticks with me. She was drying off and I then staged them in our bedroom. I had them hooked to the fan, bedposts – everywhere, the great night continued.
Mixing up your sex life can be done any way you’d like. It is truly up to you and your girl what the limits are. The point is, you can create the slut if you create the environment that promotes slut behavior.
(Sex is supposed to be enjoyed, have fun with it)
4. Be Mysterious
I think some men think it is this complex Rubik’s cube of advice being given to them. They think I thought I was always supposed to be around, always giving attention and ‘being there’ for my wife…
Let’s clear it up now.
Gentemen, when another man says something, obviously think it over as to whether it is good or bad advice. If the person giving the advice has proven their worth, just listen and don’t become some nuclear engineer looking for all of the hows and whys, just follow the advice.
Women Talk, Men Do.
Let the women ponder all of the ramifications, you can just do. So don’t over think it like a woman – “do what? Go Where? Do I tell her? How is one “mysterious”, Etc….”
I have so much going on between writing for this blog, writing books, doing video chats with the men on the Fraternity of Excellence, traveling to give a speech at the 21 Convention, that my wife never really even asks any more what I’m up to. The kids go to bed or some other opportunity where you know you aren’t needed, it should go something that ‘roughly’ follows this outline:
Man: “Hey babe, I’m heading out/going to be working on X I’ll be back in like an hour.”
Woman: “Where are you going?/What are you doing?”
Man: “Out/Who knows/I’ll figure it out when I get there/To Slay Dragons/To pick up a hooker/take photos/write somewhere/tell her exactly what it is, etc.”
Woman: This response depends on the frame from which your relationship operates. Like I said, my wife would ‘get it’ at this point, I’ve been writing since 2015. If you are working to re-establish your frame of reference, there may be push back and rightfully so, this is a new behavior on your part, it’ll rock her boat.
Maintain composure, there’s no need to get defensive or become a douche-bag, just confidently let her know, there is nothing requiring your presence at the moment and there is something you need to work on.
It doesn’t matter if you drive to the closest parking lot and read a book, go to the bar and grab a cold one, or you go to your local library and brush up on your reading skills(You are reading aren’t you?) you do whatever you need to do to ensure that you’re making time for you.
It’s healthy and it allows your wife time to miss you. A concept I came across while reading a post over at The Red Pill Room run by Ian Ironwood.
Another important aspect to maintaining a healthy relationship is that you continue to develop as an individual as well as a couple. There are things I do for me, things my wife does for her, and things we do together.
Your wife needs to miss you every now and then, more importantly you need to have an aspect to who you are as a man that she is not involved in. If she isn’t involved and you aren’t spewing your life to her daily, then there is an element to you that she doesn’t know, and that is a good thing.
(Mystery fosters attraction, remember what I said about not being predictable )
5. Being Romantic.
As men, we are the romantics.
If I ever text her ‘I Love You’ I always capitalize the word ‘Love’, I go out of my way to make the ‘little things’ line up for her, and a whole host of other small deeds. It will be dependent on the man, but remind yourself that you’re doing these little things for you not her.
She is a woman and won’t see your actions the way you do, that shouldn’t bother you.
She’ll appreciate them, but it won’t hit as deep as it does in your heart. That’s fine, she’s a woman and you’re doing it because you find joy in doing romantic shit.
Before I go on, let’s define what a covert contract is:
A covert contract is an agreement you haven’t overtly made, but one in which you believe is agreed upon with another party.
Common covert contracts in marriage are:
- You buy your wife a Valentine’s day gift; you expect sex.
- You start working out; you sex will increase.
- You do anything with an unstated expectation from another.
Own your actions and life without making any covert contracts, it’s not a this for that transaction, there shouldn’t be a scoreboard in a relationship as you’re both on the same team.
Embrace your natural programming to being a romantic masculine male.
6. Goal Setting/Leading
Like Craig and I, you are The Family Alpha, the leader of your clan. How are they supposed to flourish under your guidance if you are unwilling to set aside time for their development?
Your family needs your presence, not presents.
My wife is a very organized individual whose held a variety of different professional positions. She has a solid understanding of early childhood development and dealing with special attention kids (as well as their parents), working in the medical field, and being a wizard when it comes to cosmetics.
With all these great skills, the one she lacks is the ability to set goals for herself and to take actions towards those goals.
She says she wants to weigh a certain weight, run a certain time, and achieve a certain life goal. But when I ask how she is making progress towards those goals, her plan consists of aimless actions (See: Redundancy without progress).
This is where I fill my role as that of my families leader.
I sat my wife down and together we grabbed a notebook and individually wrote down what our short term goals were and then long term. We followed that up with writing out three actions we can start taking, now, to achieve those goals.
I don’t care what people say they’re going to do, I want them to tell me exactly how they’re going to do it.
Your wife needs you to help her stay on the straight and narrow.
If she is stagnant, don’t come to Craig or I saying “my wife is unmotivated, sedentary, etc.”
That’s your fault.
This behavior didn’t creep out of nowhere, you’ve allowed her to get to this point. Similar to obese kids, it isn’t their fault they’re fat, they are eating what their parents provide.
You can create a woman who brings value to your life by being a man worthy of receiving that value. Your wife is your best mirror, so why not dedicate the time to helping her and the rest of your clan get to here you want them to be? Their performance is a direct reflection of your ability as a leader.
Remember, people will rise to the standard you accept, not the one you expect.
This isn’t just your wife. Are you putting the necessary time in with your kids as well?
Your entire family is operating under your guidance. Set the time aside to mentor, assist, and guide them all. Definitely make sure you’re dedicating an appropriate amount of time to read to your kids.
(Your family needs a leader, they need a Family Alpha)
7. Educate Her
I believe that as men we are all Walking Our Path Alone. What I write or say will/won’t work in marriages is based solely off of my own experience. You’ll read posts on here by Craig James which conflict with my own and that’s fine as they’re being written from his perspective.
I’m not guessing when it comes to the advice I provide, neither is Craig, these things have worked and we’ve used them in real life with our wives. Your Mileage May Vary, especially when it comes to discussing psychology, male/female dynamics, what’s going in in society, etc.
I have always taken the dominant role in the relationship.
I don’t say, “I don’t know”, I always taking point and lead the family to where it is we needed to go, and when it comes to shielding the influence of a degenerative society I try to educate them without exposing them to everything that is going on.
I am the Shield and Spear of my family, I both protect and attack for them.
A part of that job is filtering the content which enters their minds. I try to balance it with enough exposure to be aware, without so much exposure that they live in a state of anxious fear.
I’ve explained to my wife how all of the modern day feminists had warped the word submissive, how all of the SJWs who make being a domestic wife a bad thing are wrong and I clarified to her that her biology as a woman makes her more submissive where mine as a man makes me more dominant.
Your woman may not understand why you are making the life improving changes that you’re implementing. Share some of it with her, she may not understand why her choice to put a job before her family leaves her feeling dissatisfied.
You don’t have to bring her into the ‘Manosphere’ but you certainly can educate her on why you’re eating better, lifting more, reading more, and taking an interest in ensuring that you and her are remaining lovers as opposed to co-parents or apathetic roommates.
Don’t let it just be the ‘new you’ let her understand that you’re raising your standard and tell her that never again will she be forced to assume the leadership role of your clan. Women want men, men who a decisive, mature, adults who can handle their shit.
Too many men out there are trying to share their feelings, refusing to accept men and women are different, and will literally identify closer to women than other men in an attempt to fit into the narrative society has spun for them.
Everyone loses when this happens, few see it. Open the eyes of your wife and children, let them be aware of what’s wrong in society.
Women do not want to wear the pants and when your weaksauce behavior forces them to, it builds resentment. You may even want to explain that aspect so she understands why she feels angry towards you.
This is entirely dependent on your woman, but explaining these things made my wife not feel so alone, it made her feel that she wasn’t the only one who saw that there was a serious problem with where society is headed.
You have to understand your wife and how her mind works. It’s only then that you can make the call on what knowledge would make her better understand the path you’re leading your clan down.
(Be Dominant, not domineering)
8. Text Game
A lot of men recommend you keep texts to logistics only.
For 90% of the guys out there, I agree.
For those who know how to use texts as a sort of IV drip feed of arousal throughout the day, I think texts have their place. There’s a reason I don’t allow people to take my cell nor do I have texts/images preview on the main screen.
My texts elicit a response that send her down the rabbit hole all day, you just have to know what to say and how to say it.
If you do it right and don’t come across as needy or creepy, you can use text and pics to set the stage. Err on the side of responding too little and always keep it fun and flirtatious.
Do not rely solely on texts as you still have to game & kino in person, though you can certainly use them as accessories to your arsenal of sex inducing weapons that are employed to reach your end goal.
(You don’t have to answer every email and text from your lady, you do know that right?)
9. Tease Her
I fuck with my wife constantly.
You know the whole, pick on the girls at the playground concept? Meaning you tease the girl you like, but you don’t let anyone else tease her? I do that and I have since we first got together, it keeps things fresh.
Why do I keep at it? Because it works and I am honestly enjoying my life and marriage.
Talking shit, pulling pranks, just straight fucking with your wife in a tactful way leads to a solid and healthy relationship.
I would never pull the chair out from under her as that would make her look stupid in front of everyone and/or she’d break her ass. I would replace her incense with a sparkler. (House went up like it was the 4th of July)
I’ll hide stuff, put things where she can’t reach them, refuse to give a direct answer or give an overly complicated answer to any questions that she should know.
There is a fine line between being a mischievous man who gets her rolling and being a Dick. Be mischievous in your dealings and always have her looking over her shoulder. It can also be sexual, in fact it should be sexual.
(She’s your woman, not your mom; she wants to have fun. Have fun and fuck with your wife)
10. Refuse to Lower the Standard From Which Excellence is Measured
You set the bar Gentlemen; let that truly set in. You set the standard.
You set the bar from which your wife will judge other men and you set the bar from which your family will perform to. If you are reading, lifting, and overall improving yourself then your family should reflect that.
If you are doing all of the steps provided, then your wife should be so busy trying to keep up with your next move that she doesn’t need the ‘newness’ of another man.
Chad doesn’t have a damn thing on the husband who owns his shit.
It’s on you to reach that point.
I have shared some insight into how I’ve kept my wife attracted to me and how we’re keeping things fun throughout the passing years, I hope it’s helped or planted some seed in your mind as to how you can mix hings up.
I could write a novel on this subject, but if you do not apply what you’ve read and write, then it’s useless.
The Family Alpha Motto is Acta, Non Verba which means Deeds, Not Words. You’ve got to implement better behaviors in your relationship to get better results, good luck.
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