Many men who are married or in long term relationships are turning the tide. They are reclaiming their masculinity and because of this their relationships are reaching new heights. As these men improve they are helping their spouse improve as well. So, not only is the quality of the marriage* rising but so to is the quality and standard of the two individuals who make up that relationship.
*Side Note: You will see that I bounce from marriage and relationship often as this applies to both those who are married as well as those who are in long term committed relationships.
This piece is going to touch on the literal side of balancing the scales as well as your woman’s confidence. Often times I write about the man embracing his inner self and through this action he will in turn become a better man for himself and for his lady.
First he improves for himself, but that improvement directly translates to her as she is the one married to this improving man and it reaffirms her original notion that he was a masculine man and worth marrying in the first place.
As your confidence grows through physical fitness, in knowledge regarding interpersonal relationships & the female mind, as well as your improvement in laying game you can transfer that to your woman through strategic planning and critical application of leadership through example at the right moments.
A lot of the guys I talk to have a hard time with getting their wife on-board the improvement train. These men are raising their SMV by leaps and bounds and then get frustrated/disappointed when their wife does not reflect these same changes.
What they fail to recognize is that just because they discovered they were not satisfied and they found the need to improve, their wife hasn’t reached that point.
So, what should we do but inspire her to do exactly that.
Here are a few of the complaints I am seeing repeated over and over. I will list them out and then go provide ways to combat this push back/lack of confidence.
- My wife doesn’t want to have sex with the lights on or shower together.
- My wife is not in shape and now I am finding her less attractive.
- My wife just sits on her phone, unhappy.
When you look at these three quick examples it is clear to see these guys are pointing the finger and saying, “my wife” when in reality they need to be looking at her as a reflection (see my post on her being a mirror) of their poor leadership.
Gentlemen, the onus is on you to lead your woman to wherever you want her to be. Do you see that all three of these examples share one common theme?
A woman who lacks confidence
When is the last time your wife stepped on a scale in front of you?
Some guys will read that and laugh, I’m dead serious tell me when.
There seems to be this persistent belief that women don’t share their age & women don’t share their weight. No shit chicks are lacking in confidence, society is telling them they are supposed to think and act a certain way and weak men are supporting it.
Does that sound familiar?
If you have the energy and determination to break the mold our feminized society has placed you into then you had better be ready to provide the same efforts to break the mold your woman is stuck in.
She should be able to confidently step on the scale in front of you. She should confidently share her age and coming from a military background I am of the belief that too many have been deprived of the privilege to grow older.
You should be the man who gets her to that point.
My wife doesn’t want to have sex with the lights on or shower together
- Your wife is afraid of you seeing her bare body.
- She is afraid to be vulnerable in front of you.
Think about it, in both of these scenarios she is exposed to you, as bare as the day she came into the world. Do you want to know how you get her comfortable with this?
Through slow gradual steps with positive reinforcement.
You don’t force her by saying, “We fuck with the lights on because I say so.” That is domineering not dominant and as I’ve said before you want to be the dominant force in her life.
You don’t force her to do these things; you inspire her to do them on her own.
You provide the compliments of how you love her body, mind, etc. When you cuddle with her put your hand on the parts she tries to get you to avoid stomach, arms, wherever her sensitive area is, desensitize it to your touch and have her grow more confident in those areas.
Women think way too much.
As time passes she will go from ‘he thinks my stomach, arms, c section, etc.’ are disgusting to ‘Ok, he isn’t disgusted, I’m going to trust him and open myself up; let the wall down and risk being hurt, but he’s earned it and he won’t hurt me’.
Maybe it is having sex a few times with the windows open but the lights off. Then moving that to sex with the lights on but under the blankets, then from there lights on and naked bodies everywhere.
When the kids go to bed, ask her to come rub you down in the shower, have her wash her king. However you have to spin it to your woman do that.
My lady and I have the whole King/Queen thing going so she views our marriage as something like that and thinks showering with me and scrubbing me is like a Queen tending to her king. I view her as my precious innocent lady, I love rubbing her body down. It isn’t always about the sex either, we’ve had showers where we just get cleaned up (and maybe make-out a little) then hop out and go about our day.
The point is, you need to ease into these things.
My wife is not in shape and now I am finding her less attractive.
This goes more into the literal scale aspect of the piece.
Your wife is not in shape and is not making an attempt to improve in any way. She is again, stuck in the mold society has set for her i.e not in your frame. She has been told that at the age of X she is supposed to dress a certain way. Being a mom means she is supposed to get her hair cut short and in a bob. She feels she is supposed to have gained weight and that it is ok.
What she is failing to catch onto is that with your newly established frame she is now allowed to break that mold.
If you were a shitty leader and let yourself get fat it’s your fault she followed suit, she followed you!
You owe it to her to put in the effort with her to turn it around.
When is the last time you stepped on a scale in front of her?
Why not tell her you are working towards a certain goal weight. Then step on the scale and show her where you stand, show her who you are as a man and let her see the vision you have for where you are going. Set the precedence for her to follow. Then, if she is the cook of the family talk to her about wanting to cook with her and ways you guys can make cooking something you do together to reach your health goals.
Ask her if she wants to join your plan, ask her if she’d like you to make a workout plan for her or to go to the gym together (or apart). Straight up tell her you love her for everything she is and you’re sick of following the pattern so many others live their lives by and that you want to know where she is at weight wise and for the two of you to set and hit your goal weights together.
When she steps on the scale and bares herself to you this is another moment where she is vulnerable and exposing herself. This may not happen at first, she may resist, it means she still doesn’t trust you and is still not confident enough with herself to own that number on the scale.
Don’t be upset with her, she’s had to live inside the walls society created and with a man who became a weak fuck for too long; she needs as much rewiring as you do.
Eventually it will happen and you need to appreciate it.
Hug her and smile, maybe she doesn’t show you until she hits that goal weight, but when she does you’ll know you made a step in the right direction with leading her towards healthy living.
My wife just sits on her phone all day, unhappy.
This is a sign of a woman who is not confident with her life and is looking for an escape.
Whether it is with Pinterest and she is reading quotes to stimulate a feeling or Facebook to compare her life, what she is lacking is FEELING & PASSION.
If it is minimal, you’re fine. The chicks that use social media as an escape they need serious help as soon as possible.
You know when you are lying in bed or sitting on the couch and you read those motivational quotes about lifting or stoicism or you watch those YouTube videos and get pumped up, ready to rip a phone book in half?
I know you do it – don’t lie.
Well women do the same; except it isn’t for fitness and fire in the veins pumping masculinity; for females, it is for love, for romanticism, for joy and happiness.
They need to find these feelings through quotes because all too often they are being overlooked by their man, desensitized by society that tells to be ‘proper’, or they feel stuck in the loop of wife/mom.
It is your job to make this woman feel something.
I talk about this in Being UNpredictable as well as 10 Ways to Keep Your Wife on her Toes. When is the last time you planned a dinner and took care of the babysitter? Just walking in and having a table ready and all she has to do is get dressed?
When is the last time you picked her up, spun her around, kissed her hard, and went back to whatever it was that you were doing? When is the last time you were spontaneous with anything, taking her out of that loop of redundancy without progress and remind her that she isn’t just a mom or wife; she is your lover.
Women who have satisfied lives are not looking at quotes to escape, maybe to describe their love and send it to their man (you) but they aren’t trying to get away. They know their real life is better than the highlight reel of others.
Passion differs from ‘feeling’ in the sense of does your woman have any goals? Does she have professional desires? Any certifications she wants? Any degrees to obtain? Races to run? Weights to lift? Classes to take?
Is there anything in this life that keeps her up at night or gets her talking to no end because she cares that much?
That is something she should have, that is what every person should have.
That ‘thing’ that makes you happy when you do it, just because you do it regardless of if it makes money or not it’s going to happen for the pleasure of doing that thing.
These chicks that are on Facebook just ‘scrolling’ they have no personal drive or satisfaction with where they are in their life. Society has dictated to them that they must consume more and more in order to be happy. So your wife who is taking care of two kids is watching their unmarried friends travel the world and because you have not gotten her to find purpose in what she is doing here and now she feels it is inadequate compared to Ms. Travel the World.
Ensure your wife doesn’t lose herself to her ‘role’ or ‘point’ in life. My wife is 29 and a mother of 2. This chick is motivated as fuck to get back to school to pursue a new field of study, reach some fitness milestones with regards to races, and doesn’t even have Facebook; she thinks it’s a time sink and full of people trying to ‘capture’ moments vs live them.
She dresses well and has some sexy ass dark hair that she just dyed with dark red highlights because she felt like mixing it up. My lady is living her life and passionate for each day. She is my wife but she is also an individual with her own goals and aspirations.
Ensure your woman is doing the same.
Support her desire to go to paint or photography class; have her spread her wings and be an interesting person who will have stories to share with you so your aren’t just sitting there telling her how you kicked ass that day. Foster an environment where the two of you make time for each other as well as independently.
Most of the problems men are experiencing come from a lack of understanding that their failed performance led to a women losing sight of who she was and what is expected of her. Do not resent her for any of this. Own your shit and own your relationship, together you will reach the optimal level of living and marriage.
Show her you support her and believe in her and yourself through your actions, not your words.
Words can be hollow actions ‘speak’ volumes.
Acta Non Verba,
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