One of the earliest mistakes almost every new ‘unplugged’ man will make is that he will spew his confused, twisted, sad & angry emotions all over his wife. He will have come to the realization that up to this point he has been wasting his life and his wife is not attracted to the weaksauce version of a man that he has become.
This pill is a bitter one to swallow, but you must always choose the pain of the truth over the comfort of a lie.
Pride will be injured, the ego is too involved, and the desire for immediate results will be alive and well. These are all ingredients leading towards a hurricane of emotions.
Like a Somali pirate this newly unplugged man will look to his wife and say, “I’m the Captain now” to which she will laugh or snicker and say, ‘yeah, ok…’ leading to further frustrations and rage.
This man will want to weep and apologize for being so pathetic and not leading her or the kids, which is what has caused them to be so disgruntled and lost in this life having never developed their own genuine sense of self.
He will resent himself for letting things get so bad and will decide to make a desperate plea to the world, making posts on Twitter & Reddit about how he has decided to “man up” and take ownership of his masculine nature.
He may get drunk and tell his wife he loves her and now that he is a man she should submit to his lead. He will get angry and sloppy and yell about respect and the way it should be.
All of this will happen and all of this will work against him.
If you are in this situation, I am telling you now, these emotions are for your bros, your dog, & your beer.
Your wife is not your emotional tampon. She is a woman who is always judging your status as a man. Her shit tests are nothing more than check ups on your leadership & frame. To have you come to her spilling your guts about whatever?
She’ll be judging that too.
Here is the kicker, in these initial stages you have no idea what you need to do or who you truly are or What’s expected of a masculine man. You’ve been plugged in and stuck inside a bluepill mold that was forged by white knights over the years for so long that you have no idea how to even ‘man’. Because of this, the last thing you want to do is lay out a plan that you’ll be changing the very next day.
For these reasons, you need to just start taking actions, making small permanent changes and then let your results do the speaking for you. There is a reason that Lifting is Step #1.
Your wife isn’t your mother.
You don’t need to run to her and say, “Hey look at me, I worked out three days in a row this week” She doesn’t need another child to be proud of; what she needs is a husband; the masculine man you were and she thought you’d always be when she married you.
The better way of doing this is to start working out and during one of your romps in the sack she’ll say, “Wow, your arms are big” or “Whoa, your back is so hard.” You just shrug it off like that’s normal, because being a jacked man is normal.
Men are the more romantic of the sexes, I’m not saying don’t feel what I am saying, is be deliberate with whom you are sharing those feelings with.
You’re frustrated because you ‘used to be somebody’?
Grab the leash, get the dog, and go for a walk. Let the thoughts bounce around in your head or talk it out with the dog as you walk (quietly or people will think you’re a weirdo).
Sit on the front lawn with the dog, petting him, or throwing the ball and just hashing shit out in your mind or again, straight up talk to the dog. Whatever you need to do to fix your mind without bringing your wife into the mental mix.
You’re sad because you recognize your wife will never love you unconditionally or that she isn’t attracted to you (yet)?
Go out with the guys, if it’s a close friend, talk it out. Let him know you recognized that you’re a frumpy sack of soft dog shit and the Mrs. isn’t attracted. Maybe you’ll find a new workout buddy or some diet & fitness advice. Most importantly, you’ll have released the words & emotion without it landing on your wife.
Don’t try to numb yourself with alcohol, weed, or pills.
You need to feel these emotions. You just need to feel them and then turn them into fuel and not an anchor. Use them as motivators and the driving force when you’re tired or ready to take your foot off the gas. Grab one glass of whiskey and appreciate it instead of 10 beers that just somehow disappear from your glass only to elevate your estrogen levels further.
Make yourself a man who is in control and treats his words like currency, only dispensing them on items needed and not blowing it all on bullshit. You should only speak when your words are more beautiful or necessary than silence.
This in no way implies you never allow yourself to share an emotion with the wife, it just means that when you do share your feelings, you do so in a masculine manner.
Let’s say your dad dies and you were close with him.
It is fine to shed a tear, but don’t become a sniffling child unable to exist or care for yourself. He was your father, he’s going to die (we all are) and now you can grieve, hopefully praising his life and using this as a reminder to not to waste a single breath, doing this in a positive manner as opposed to being sad he is gone.
You should be glad you had the moments with him that you did and share that aspect with your friends and family. You’re sad, but you’re still a man and you can lead others to finding the joy in this life instead of sadness in the moment of a loss.
I’m of the opinion that you grieve for one day and one day alone. Carrying it out is either looking for attention or wasting time and using it as an excuse for inactivity.
Mourn your loss, more importantly honor the loss of a member of your tribe by living even more fiercely.
This goes for a whole host of moments where emotions run high.
I heard the national anthem playing when my kids were watching a football game and when I walked in the room they were both quiet and standing; my daughter had her hand over her heart my son was saluting the TV; my eyes watered a little (nothing fell, don’t you judge me). I was wicked proud of them for doing that on their own and it filled me with that intense pride kids give their fathers, embrace that – don’t hide from it.
It’s OK to feel
It’s the burden of being an authentically masculine man. Our mountains are higher and our valleys are lower. You need both; you need to find balance with it and most importantly, you need to know who, where, and when to release it.
If you are looking for a brotherhood where you can build your tribe and learn to not only harness these emotions, but also learn how to talk to men then check out The Fraternity of Excellence. An online tribe Craig and I have created where men challenge men to become the best versions of themselves.
Acta Non Verba,
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