Being a Father
This is a continuation of my Burden of Family post.
A friend of mine recently returned home after his wife delivered triplets. We spoke a few times while his wife was sleeping and I could feel the masculine energy flowing through him. Here he was riding on X minutes of sleep, taking care of his wife, 3 new babies, his 4 year old and everything else required to make the transition from hospital to home go as smooth as possible and when we spoke it was like it was just another day.
Aside from my wife, he’s the only person who knows of my blog in my “real” life. So, naturally we touched on the subject of masculinity and fatherhood. During the discussion he said something which inspired this post, he said it isn’t hard managing all of this because these are his kids and that’s his wife, and he was a part of making this happen and had a role to fill.
If you’re going to have kids then you’re going to have to fill the role required of you when the kids show up.
If you’re a father then you played a role in creating life and that means something. No matter how awesome or awkward and uncomfortable the sex was, you had it and a baby was the result. I don’t care if it’s with your wife or with a one night stand; if you played a role in creating a life, then you need to assume the responsibilities that come with the title Father.
- You’re poor? I don’t care.
- You’re young? I don’t care.
- You’re really busy? I don’t care.
- You didn’t want it? I. Do. Not. Care.
You see, as a father I understand the magnitude that comes with raising a life in this day and age. I have two children, a 7 year old boy and a 4 year old girl and both are in the process of becoming productive, educated, intelligent, good members of our society.
I became a father because my wife and I chose to have a kid. I have wanted kids from a young age and my wife did as well. to be honest, I wouldn’t have married her if she didn’t (Vet well gentlemen).
There is no difference between what is expected of me, a 29 year old married man and the 16 year old boy who just knocked up his freshman sweetheart.
You do your fucking best.
You remain as present as you can and you provide the necessities. What your family needs is your presence, not presents. If there are issues between you and the mother then you get legal documentation which clearly draws the boundaries for time, supervision, requirements, etc.
I don’t live in a fantasy world where kids aren’t having unprotected sex, I know that it’s going to happen, I know right now some kid is hitting it raw and doesn’t know enough to pull out because it feels to good and in nine months he’s going to see a ball of flesh coming out of where he was cumming in.
My aim with this blog isn’t to fight teen sex; part of my goal with this blog is to provide a resource that will raise the standard of men who will then act as an example for the young men in their life. If you act like a masculine man then the boys around you will act like and become masculine men. When they purposefully or accidentally have a child, they’ll act as a masculine man does; complete ownership.
Had sex with the girlfriend or a one night stand and got her pregnant? She (you both) decided to keep the baby?
*Do not think that because you got this woman pregnant you now have to marry her.*
If it was a one night stand, you need to let her know to keep you in the loop. Maybe you’ll try and go steady and figure a way to become an LTR or maybe you’ll just stay in touch over baby things. Both are acceptable options, the key point is you need to know what’s going on with the baby.
For the one night stand or girlfriends alike, ensure you’re aware of doctor’s appointments, any complications, preparations for where the baby will live, getting stuff together for the arrival, planning for names, etc. You’re a part of all of this and the best thing you can do is remain civil with this woman. You may not know her at all, start discussing family history, finances, plans, etc.
Don’t kick this can down the road even once, start having the conversations early and often. Keep her on Team You the last thing you need is this chick disappearing or turning against you.
Once the baby has arrived, make yourself a part of it’s upbringing. If that means every other week or whatever so be it, but make yourself a part of this child’s life from the onset and continue to do so throughout all the years.
Married Dad-Bod Schlups
I’ve seen fat, disgusting, weak dads ‘being one of the girls‘ with the other moms at the football, baseball, and soccer games and practices I have led.
Understand this now, your child is going to follow your example not your advice.
Being out of shape, trying to keep up with the trends of society, having no hobbies other than sedentary TV time is that what you want for your kid?
Your dead-bedroom or once a week sex life is pathetic, your wardrobe is pathetic, you aren’t happy even though you try to convince yourself you are, and your physical limitations due to poor health choices have you unable to raise your kids to becoming healthy productive members of society.
When you have kids, you’ve removed ‘Zero Days‘ from your life. You need to be the example from which they will measure their performance physically, educationally, spiritually, etc. Being a fat slob tells your kids that when they get married or have kids that they should get fat too.
Start trying again, get back to giving a shit about your life. Treat your wife like you did when she was your girlfriend, treat your children as pupils who you’ve got to to train for life, and treat yourself as an ever improving project that always has an aspect that needs to be work on, honed, and improved.
You’re on your game, you’re following your mission, you look good, sex is great, life is solid, and you’re pursuing improvement both personally and professionally.
The biggest concern I have with my brethren in this category is that they get too mission focused grinding day in and day out to improve and raise their standard that they don’t make ‘family time’ a slot in their schedule.
Men grind day in and day out, trying to build their side hustle to something more.
But, at what expense?
You can’t put your family before your mission, at the same time you’ve got to make time for them. Steve Jobs is an excellent example of this. The dude could have made his family a part of his mission and it probably would have benefited him and improved his leadership skills. Instead, he disowned his daughter as she was an inconvenience to his pursuit of Apple greatness.
You need to follow your mission in life, but when you become a father you need to look at the opportunity cost and recognize that the time you invest in your child is not wasted time.
Make them a part of your mission and you’ll find it leads to you becoming even more efficient at leading your family. Get them on-board your plan and share your vision with them, let them see the how and why you do what you do.
When they understand why you grind you’ll find that they support you and defend you from others. Your kids will say my dad’s not here because he’s working on X or your wife will say, when some chick tries making a remark on your absence, that at least her man has passion in life and is pursuing dreams.
They’ll support you if you make them a part of the greatness you’re chasing.
There are too many children out there who don’t have a masculine father figure in their life. Having a blue pill ‘plugged in’ father is better than nothing, but a child will reach the fullest development when they are raised by the balance of the masculine and feminine.
Fill your role, be the child’s shield and spear, protecting it from the world while fighting off all who threaten it’s existence.
Similar to being in shape, 90% of the battle is just showing up. Show up, you’ll figure the rest out as you go. Keep peace with the mother and if that isn’t going to work then legally ensure your rights are represented and documented.
This child needs you, it’s time to step up brother.
Acta Non Verba,
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