The Man in the Mirror
Traveling the globe gives me plenty of time to ponder how to embrace masculinity in a feminized societyI’ve recently been afforded the opportunity to travel outside the United States for my job. Last month was my first real “business trip” and the first time leaving the country not on deployment.
I took my journal with me and wrote quite a bit. Some are from a sober mind, others were fueled by some fine spirits. My time away from the family and outside the ‘normal society’ I am used to will lead to some insight I wouldn’t otherwise have had.
This is the first piece from my journal.
It is 0223 and I am in a foreign country, sitting awake in my hotel room, sipping on the last glass of single barrel Jim Beam I picked up earlier in the night. I tried sleeping but the mind was racing, I also have the spins so it’s best I keep my eyes open. I’ve been sitting staring at the wallpaper, and the mirror caught my attention then I started thinking about that man in the mirror, the guy looking back at me. Then, as is usually the case, I turned my mind to the subject of masculinity.
You see, there have been several times throughout my writing that I have had to remind guys that all of the flaws they were finding in their girlfriends, wives, and children were results of a lack of leadership. These people, the ones you hold closest are your reflection.
Your wife is your mirror.
Similar to how I am able to look at myself right now and see the result of my gym time, wardrobe choices, and grooming; looking at your kids or wife shows you how well you have led them and just like the iron in your gym, clothes on your body, and hair on your face the mirror doesn’t lie.
Don’t be so quick to judge your woman’s excess weight. Look inside, have you led her towards healthier eating? Have you ever offered to lead her in weightlifting or subliminally send the message that she needs to improve her strength? You’d be surprised how much you can accomplish without saying exactly what you mean.
A conversation on the importance of remaining flexible and having strong bones when you’re old could, if delivered correctly, tell a woman that you want her to lift weights and start stretching. Your woman is your responsibility; if you want her to fix a certain aspect of her ‘self’ then you need to let her know that.
The same goes for the kids and wives that drive their husbands crazy for spending so much energy on time vampires such as Facebook, TV, and video games. These are all distractions, they distract individuals from their real lives and provide comfort and validation for people who have not developed a life that can provide this same feeling.
Neither my wife nor I have Facebook and I truly believe we are both better off because of it. I was becoming the angry veteran mad at the world for bitching about the smallest of things and my wife would get disheartened when she didn’t get any ‘likes’ on a picture she put up of the kids. We didn’t realize it but this really bothered us and it was completely preventable.
I recognized the issue and over time was able to help her realize that her life was passing by and that if she wanted to get the most of it, she would have to start living in the moments and no longer trying to capture them. It’s about living an awesome life, not projecting one for validation from others. My wife is now the most hard core Anti Facebook chick there is, she fucking hates it and has told me on several occasions that she will never go back and is so glad I was able to help her break free from it. When people are on their phones when we go out or they are ‘Scrolling’ she calls them out on it and it turns me on.
This woman is my wife, it is my job to ensure that I am not only setting myself up for success and working towards continuous improvement, but also that I am helping her do the same. The men who are bitching about the poor quality of their spouse and kids are often times guys who have just unplugged and think they now see reality.
This is false, while they do see reality, they fail to see it as a result of their actions. It didn’t have to be this way, it is the result of weaksauce men who have not led their clan for months (likely years).
If you were a weak dude and you broke free from the cookie cut mold our feminized society has forced you into, then you need to recognize that you owe it to your wife and kids to help them reclaim their own sense of ‘self’ before you start pointing fingers or threatening to leave. Lead your family, lead your woman, and most importantly take ownership of the damage that was done by your lack of guidance.
All of this is not to say you can just morph these people into what you want like putty but to a degree you can.
I have gotten my wife into weightlifting, running, and being more confident in her style of dress. I did this in a manner where she thinks she came up with the ideas and I am totally cool with that (leaders deflect praise and accept responsibility). There are still some things she does that I don’t agree with and that is OK.
- She likes to read from a kindle, rarely reading physical books, I’m the opposite.
- She would rather sit on the sand instead of play in the water at the beach, not me.
- She does things her way when it comes to her job and school, while we have argued as I would have done or said something a different way, it is OK.
She is her own person and my job is to lead her towards success, not turn her into the female version of me.
When you point your finger at someone you have 3 others pointing back at you, think about that. Our job is to lead our family, it is not to become a dictator.
Remember, Dominant not domineering
You want to lead and inspire respect with a little fear, not all fear with no respect. Your wife will change when two things occur.
- She finds a reason to change. There are more than a few posts on blogs, medium, and Reddit that discuss how a man’s wife got in shape, filled her womanly role, and started helping with the kids and house after the guy pulled his head out of his ass and started filling his masculine role. By choosing to work out, taking the lead, providing strength and confidence when all others are bending to the wind, these things inspire change.
- She wants to make you proud. I’ve written a few times on the importance of supplanting daddy and becoming the man your wife wants to make proud and wants to please. She will start doing things because she wants you to notice. She’ll wear that sundress with nothing under it, she’ll start hitting the squats and deadlifts with more intensity, she’ll do the things you want her to do because now she wants to do them for you. This is often times when she starts providing the unsolicited blowjobs that elude so many marriages.
All of this can be achieved by the man who first fixes himself, then approaches others.
Ensure that before you point your finger at another person and say “your wrong” ensure you have an answer to the three fingers pointing back at you making sure that you, yourself are not the one who is wrong. Remember, when you look at your wife or children, you’re looking at the result of your leadership (or lack thereof) you’re looking at the man in the mirror.
Acta Non Verba,
Be sure to follow Craig and I on Twitter for daily real time engagement:
You can also join Craig and I along with over 100 other men inside of the Fraternity of Excellence: