The Shame

You were supposed to be a King; it was never supposed to be like this.

You were supposed to be a King; it was never supposed to be like this.

I was recently asked how a guy who was ashamed to show his body was supposed to start hitting the gym. This guy was a father, husband, and man who truly wanted to reclaim his masculine ‘self’ yet was too embarrassed and ashamed to take that first step out into the world.

Like Quasimodo who was more comfortable in his tower this man chose video games over social exposure because that was what kept him comfortable and safe.

This post is for the men who suffer that crippling fear of judgement; those self-defeating thoughts that they’re too fat, too ugly, and too weak to achieve what they see others achieving online, in movies, on Twitter, and all over the internet.

These men think, “Those guys can do it because they’re luckier, richer, had easier lives, etc.

These guys know that the excuses they’re using to justify why others are taking action while they remain stagnant are total bullshit, but it soothes the wound to the ego temporarily and it buys them time to do something else to distract them from reality.

Netflix, Video Games, Computer, Phone, etc…

These men fear venturing into the world because they fear being ostracized and they can’t get over that absolutely overwhelming and crushing shame in what their body & mind have become.

They let fear of judgement overcome desire to improve; to quote Mark Baxter, “Their level of disgust in themselves has yet to exceed the desire to do nothing“.

With permission I’m sharing a part of my email back to him:

It isn’t just your body which is weak, it’s your mind as well and that’s ok; because now you know you’ve got to pull your head out of your ass and start living. You aren’t getting a ‘re-do’ on life. My blog is just a bunch of words; it’s your application of them which I’m writing for. 

With all of this said, I won’t tell you to find motivation in your kids or your wife, I’m going to tell you to find motivation in yourself because if you don’t believe in you, then why should anyone else? If you don’t believe in you then why should those you are leading believe in themselves?

Your kids follow your example, not your advice – they see when you keep the shirt on and when you are ashamed of your body.

There’s been enough of that in your life; too many days, weeks, and years have been spent doing it that way.

It’s time for a change brother, own it. Start having a blast and who gives the slightest fuck if someone looks, comments, or whatever – become unshakable and own this life.” – Hunter

The Shame

Men are told that if they followed this set path of

  1. don’t make waves
  2. be nice
  3. share your feelings

That they’d “get the girl” and their life would be set. They’d be the King of their castle, their wife would submit to their lead, and their children would sit around them absorbing the aura of masculinity being let off by their father.

That’s not reality and more men are finding this out day by day.

I’ve made it a point to consistently push the message that lifting weights is the 1st step towards reclaiming your masculine nature. What I’ve failed to address is how does the man who does not currently have the confidence to show his body at the gym take this step?

Before I answer it’s important to place yourself inside the mind of the ashamed man. Try to look at the world through his perspective and if this seems eerily familiar, recognize that this may be you.

The men who recognize something is wrong are the ones who start looking for answers. They have a void in their heart and an incredible sense of self-hate growing; this leads them to turning to Google or some form of social media to figure out what the problem is. They’ll stumble across The Family Alpha, the Manosphere, The Red Pill, or Married Red Pill subreddit and read for hours, sometimes days.

They’ll come out of this journey awakened to the fact that:

  1. The comfortable world they’ve been living in is a lie & now they’re uncomfortable.
  2. They are the source of their problem; not the excuses they’ve used up to this point.
  3. They have to do more to achieve more; their life of ease has to be destroyed and that’s a difficult thing to let go of.

These men now know that they’ve got to take action. Every other post they read contains a variation of, “Do you even lift Bro?

The issue is, they don’t know how to lift. More importantly, they don’t have the confidence to go somewhere or the discipline/finances to do it alone at home.

Gentlemen, I’m telling you now, you’ve suffered long enough. How many more days, weeks, years are you going to be the man who:

  • Is at the beach wearing shirts, sitting on the towels or wading deep enough into the water so you can squat low enough to hide your body under the water?
  • Can’t run around with your kids because you can’t run?
  • Is trying to take up as little space possible and remain unnoticed when you attend parties or functions?
  • Only feels the slightest sense of relief when you’re eating and at home yet when you’re done and see the empty soda bottles and pizza boxes feel disgust and more self-hate than you did before?
  • Cries when in the shower, driving home from work, or when you’re in bed next to your woman who won’t even consider touching you?
  • Contemplates suicide or eating into an early grave while hiding in a ‘safe’ cave at home?

I get it brother, you feel those black clouds will forever hide that light you once felt as a young man; that masculine fire which burned so hot when you had passion for life has been snuffed out.

I’m telling you now, so long as you don’t give up on you, there is still hope for you to rise from the ashes like a Phoenix. You have to act, you have to look deep inside one more time and give your masculine self one more shot.

This time you have the words of Hunter Drew giving you fuel, telling you to Burn your motherfucking ship on the shore as there is no retreat, you’re going all in this time.

You also have the opportunity to reach out and join a group of men who have been where you are and have turned their lives around in the Fraternity of Excellence.

No longer will you eat to feel comfortable, no longer will you masturbate when your wife goes to the store, no longer will you sit while your child runs.

The shame you carry runs to your core. That’s how deep change is going to have to happen. Layer by layer you’re going to have to strip away the make-up you’ve been putting over your true self. You’re going to have to stop living like a clown and start living like a genuine man.

When that raw genuine masculine skin first hits the surface it’s going to burn. Your friends and family are going to shit test you, your wife is going to think this is just another one of your attempts to “man up” just like last New Year’s, your muscles will hurt from use and your mind will hurt from withdrawals from the sugar, porn, and other toxins that will eventually clear out.

What actions do you have to take to turn life around, reclaim your masculine nature, and develop a genuine sense of self before you’re able to hit the weights?

It starts with a conversation.

It starts with taking the action of sending a message to an individual whom you connect with. Maybe you email me, maybe you email another member on the Fraternity or in the Manosphere, but you have to start the process by simply taking the action of giving enough of a shit about yourself that you swallow your pride, kill your ego, and reach out for help.

From there, you have to listen. 

That person, if they’re willing, is going to give you advice on how they succeeded. You’ll set goals, you’ll be held accountable, and there will be expectations that you uphold your end of the bargain.

Time is the most valuable asset we have, the masculine man you find worthy of filling the role of ‘mentor’ will not dedicate his time to a man who does not truly above all else, want to reclaim his life.

Be that man and burn the ship, it’s now or never brother.

Reach out and rid yourself of the shame that has plagued you for too long.

Acta Non Verba,

Hunter Drew

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  • Thank you for this great post.

    I have found that going to the gym to lift heavy free weights to exhaustion and sweating like a motherfucker helps me get the anger and rage out of my system.
    When it’s just my mind and the iron, the high stress from my work can finally flow out of me. I don’t know about other dudes, but ‘ve learned that I desperately need the release so as not to end up in the morgue or on the 5:00 evening news stream.
    Talking and complaining about life shit and personal trials to my girl or to my friends does me no good. They can’t comprehend what I’m going through, and frankly don’t give a fuck. Meanwhile the 40 lbs barbells and my shoulders need to be taught a fucking lesson.
    Feelings of fear of inadequacy and fear of failure are ever present within me, but they have lower rank and less command now. I know I’m going to fail. Just feel more in control, more patient, and less phased by all the little pedantic shit that accumulated because I let it and really isn’t that urgent or critical anyway.

    Sunday nights used to be hell for me and I made it hell for everyone around me. Monday mornings have been re-framed differently. I’m sleeping a lot better now. I’m probably behaving a lot less like a little bitch – less worry, less talkative, less complaining, more even keeled. I’m actually re-noticing cool shit that happens around me that I have fucking blocked out. Like smiles and hello’s and the breeze and laughter.

    As for the more chiseled dudes bench pressing 250 easily or squatting a railroad tie or three, yeah they are there. The attention-seeking lululemon wearing hot chicks are there too.

    But I’m older and invisible to them anyway right now, so IDGAF.
    I’m doing this for me. And it’s working. Looking and feeling better. Will have buy new pants for work as a result. I can only recommend it for the AFCs and for the emasculated corporate types.

  • Losingdadbod says:

    Is there an acceptable at-home dumbbell weight lifting program one can start out with who has never lifted a weight in is life?

    • hunterdrew says:


      There are tons of workouts out there; a dumbbell can be used as a kettlebell or in conjunction with push-ups.

      Don’t overthink, just start doing. You can email for further discussion if you’d like.

      • Losingdadbod says:

        I want a program that is someone asks: Do you even lift Bro?, then I can say yes. Is there a dumbbell workout that meets that criteria?

    • Blake says:

      Check out “Convict Conditioning” by Paul Wade for an at-home strength training program that can walk you from newb to built.

  • Lance Draper says:

    Good article. Are you a former fat man? I ask because you seem to understand the mindset well.

    • hunterdrew says:

      Negative, I’m just able to put myself into other people’say shoes well & shift my perspective to their’s.

  • Great post. I remember feeling so much shame as a younger skinny guy in the gym during high school and college. I refused to go without friends or during busy times when the gym would be crowded with much bigger guys, so I didn’t go consistently enough to get results. It wasn’t until I embraced being the scrawny kid and took pride in having the balls to be there that I actually started going consistently and getting results. Once I stopped being ashamed of myself I started to get laid even though my body hadn’t improved yet.

    As I got stronger I gained more respect for myself and more respect from men and women, which motivated me to get into the gym more and more, learn how to workout and eat properly, and find a lifelong masculine hobby with health and career benefits.

    • hunterdrew says:

      Solid comment man and an excellent life-lesson to share with other men who may have that same sense of inadequacy/insecurity.

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